whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
