new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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