dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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