Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
