I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
