Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
