You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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