just tell him i said nine months
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize