so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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