Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
