she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
