I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
