I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize