Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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