theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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