He uses pillows to masturbate.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
