he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
