I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i think my tv is drunk
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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