I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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