My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
