I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
