just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
