Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
