Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
