Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
