i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
