i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
