I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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