Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize