I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
