So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
