I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
