ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
