Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
