He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
