I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
