I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
