I faked an abortion last night.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
