everyone is single if you try hard enough
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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