I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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