My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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