i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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