my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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