dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
