What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
