apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
