i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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