I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
