He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
