I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
