I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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