My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
