I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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