dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
