glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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